Today, I finally let go of an 8-year long promise.
It was a promise to stay committed, a commitment to love and be faithful to one man for the rest of my life. Yes, I said that correctly. A man. I am gay. I have always been and there is nothing else I ever thought of myself as.
It was a…
I have come from a very long history of heartbreaking and heartbreaks. I’ve had my share of loving deeply and playing games, both of which ended up being hurt, confused, and lost in the end.
After finally finding my own path leading me to a type of future that I’ve always wanted, I decided to let love go and just focus on myself and my goals. But someone came along who made me think that maybe, this time, it will be forever. I gave it another chance and this relationship was in every way different and new to me. I was afraid, but being the ever so optimistic me, I always believed that it would work out. Plans were made and the future looked brighter than ever.
But happy endings are not for me, I guess. One day, he decided that it won’t work, that he’s not in-love with me anymore and that he’s fallen for someone else. My heart broke into pieces, my whole world shattered. I just couldn’t believe it…no, this wasn’t happening. This is all just a bad dream and I need to wake up, now! I’ve been in-denial for almost a month now but slowly i’m trying to pull myself back together. A lot of things have been sacrificed, put on hold, and neglected.
Now, I am left thinking about love - rational and emotional. We chose the rational one because we believed that the emotional foundation of love is too weak and wouldn’t be able to sustain the relationship long term. But you told me you “didn’t fall in love”…and it was my biggest mistake to have fallen deeply for you. So now I can’t help but think, can one really decide rationally on who to love? I don’t think so. I think we still let our emotions, our natural instinct, all those hormones and biological factors, to determine who we choose in the end. It’s not about having a very compatible vision of the future. It’s not about what’s convenient and what’s practical. You can never plan this falling in love thing. It just happens and you can’t choose to whom and when.
It sucks that it seems to be always wrong for me. And I find myself back to where I started.
How do I do this again?
My major plan of finally enrolling Ana in a school here in Manila changed when
1.) The yaya I was training, left after 2 months..or maybe I fired her..something
2.) We had to move because the new owners of the building had to do major renovations, and
3.) I decided to quit my job at LV.
So where is she now? She’s in the Province with my mom, sister, brother and baby niece.
Last school year, she was studying in a Montessori school which was 30min away from our house. They had a school bus but my dad didn’t like that she was mixed with the big kids in that school bus. Apparently, these bigger kids keep talking about topics that Ana shouldn’t be hearing yet. And they also had really really dirty mouths. What have kids these days been learning at home?
Since my dad, who was the designated yaya of Ana, was leaving for Qatar, I decided to look for a school near our house. We live in the Centro area so schools were at least 2 or three blocks away from our house. Ha, the convenience! The problem was, which school? Would they take a 4-yr-old kid in?
First, we asked my old grade school - IECS. They only had kindergarten and the minimum age was 5 yrs old. Ana was only turning 5 this December. My younger cousin, who was turning 5 this October got in. I asked them, why not give these kids an examination to determine if they can academically qualify? Ana is a smart girl and I know she can pass if ever, but they said that rules are rules. Oh whatever, told them it wasn’t my loss.
Tied for second choice was a Catholic Private School and a Private Chinese School. That’s easy, I went for the Chinese school that was two blocks away. :D
To cut the story short, she got in, and is now in Kindergarten 2 class. They had a kindergarten 1 class for “younger” kids. Next year, Ana wil be qualified for grade school and she’ll be in Grade 1! Hurray for my daughter.
So how different is being separated from her this year from last year.
It’s still hard of course. Being away from her is one of the heaviest load that I have to carry everyday. But Ana makes it easier for me. How? I see how she’s enjoying in her classes right now. She’s very focused and I can see how she’s being taken care of in school. The proximity helps a lot, too! It lessens my worry on her commute time and I wouldn’t have to ask if she got home safely or if kids bully her in the school bus. I see that she’s happy and she no longer calls me on my phone because she’s sad that we are apart. She knows that I have to study and work for the both of us. Oh, how understanding and mature is she in dealing with this?
My only problem is that I can no longer pull her out from school to spend a week or two with me. In her Montessori school, we can just pull her out to spend time in the city so she wouldn’t miss me so much. In this Chinese school, she can’t be absent because she’d miss a lot in her lessons. So what I do now is go home in the Province after a month to spend at least 3 days with them. I still have to go back before the weekend because of my classes.
I don’t know how our set up will be next year. Will I be able to find a job that I want here in the city and still continue with my studies in AUSL? Or will I move to the Province next year to be with my daughter and family, and also transferring to a school there?
Ana started school last year in the province. She’s away most of the time and I don’t get to see her A LOT. Next school year will definitely be different. I’ve been looking around the inter webs for a suitable school. Here is my top 1 so far: www.kidsindayschool.com
It says Kids In Day School (KIDS). All the comments I’ve read so far are positive ones. It’s a semi-progressive school, too. I’ve always wanted a progressive school for Ana.
I called to schedule an appointment. Bas and I will go check it out with Ana hopefully on Thursday if they approve the schedule. Still waiting for a confirmation. I’m crossing my fingers on this one. Aside from the learning, the schedule and proximity from my place is all a win-win-win situation! If this is what God gives me then so be it. If not, I’m sure there are others out there.
I’m so excited for this school year to end. I will be spending more time with Ana because she’ll be staying with me permanently by end of March. Hurray!
Today is my dad’s birthday. I stopped counting how old he is ever since he turned 50.
Also, my daughter called me up today.
Ana: Mommy, grandpa whipped me. It’s painful. Ana cried.
(she still refers to herself in the 3rd person)
Me: Why? What did you do?
Ana: I biked.
Me: Did grandpa tell you not to bike?
The point of this post? I told my daughter last year that if ever something like this happens, if someone hurts her or tells bad things about her, she should tell me. Months after, I get a call like this.
I want to start being active here again. Why? Because I always forget my log-in details in my new website! I am really bad at remembering passwords. So really, it’s ok for you to let tell me what your password is, because later, it’s all gone with the wind. I think it has something to do with passwords having numbers in them. Oh well papel, i’ll try to hook this one up in my website na wala pang laman.
Constant letters FTW! A hour? A hour? HAHAHAHAHA I JUST DIED =))
Most anons are plain stupid :\ Tsk.